Even if I can't sing.

maaaaan, how do I deal with all these feelings and shit. does everyone think about so much shit all...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 01:30:08 -0400

maaaaan, how do I deal with all these feelings and shit. does everyone think about so much shit all the time? what the fuck is normal. what is moderation. what the fuck is going over the line. swoff swoffff. I just wanna fuck lol

my sexual frustration is getting out of control. my fear of promiscuity is so bad too oh god this must be one of the worst combinations on the planet.

WHERE GO. WHAT DO.

Is everything even my fault? how am I supposed to be happy when i see something that’s not...

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 14:44:59 -0400

Is everything even my fault? how am I supposed to be happy when i see something that’s not right. something that’s been fucked up for the past how many years? I lost respect for everyone years ago. I don’t even give a shit because it’s been too long for me to even try. why should I be happy when I’m told to do fucking everything and then degraded because i dont feel the need to do chores when there’s someone else who contributes to all the problems, but is not recognized, therefore is untold to do so. how am I supposed to be content with that? am I being stubborn for that? I know I’m being mean and all that terrible shit, I wonder if my excuse still works. why am I all terrible and shit?

June 09

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 23:38:18 -0400

So sizwe and quinn got back together, my mom took her 200 bucks back and im just pissed off and spiteful about everything and everyone.

sigh why do i even miss the people i do. Why can’t i have more money, why can’t i have this and that

Like tyra banks said, i need to take control of my own destiny and stop being tired of this and that. I need to want it, and take control. but fuck, how the fuck do i even take the first step. fuck you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you and you and you.

I kinda feel like I need a boyfriend, only to melt my heart of ice and give me a soul. i sound like a fucking loser, but at the same time I don’t mind being alone and keeping my thoughts solitary. but I really do wonder what it’d feel like. I think i just grasped the harshness of the world too early. I treat it as do or die, black or white. I see it as a two toned dimension instead of a rainbow. I don’t know what to do. I feel like as soon as i get more money, all my problems will get solved. all I have to do is wait and see what’s gonna happen. but i hate waiting. im impatient as fuck sometimes

sigh i hate everything. how do I even become happy. all I have are my friends, but at the same time I dont have them at all.

04062013

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 08:32:20 -0400

I keep wishing to be one of those cute asian girls. I wish my face shape stayed the same as a kid, it’s embarrassing. I can’t change how I look, but every day that goes by, I wish I could. There’s no point in thinking all that, but when all your friends are on a different level than you, you can’t help but feel like that all the time. I wish i had a better smile, nicer teeth, smaller cheeks, smaller chin, better thighs, less fucked up looking hands and feet and better skin. Everyone has their insecurities and no one’s perfect, but damn, I wish I was near perfect. In this type of society, someone would say that saying you wanted to be ‘near perfect’, you’d sound really conceited. but at the same time, this whole world is based on nearly perfect. it’s so hard to win. so I guess the only way you can win is if you can learn to accept and love who you are.

You can’t love others if you can’t love yourself first.

How is it that I can realize all these things around me and yet still feel so unsatisfied and alone. I swear im gonna get some sort of disorder with all these thoughts bouncing around in my head. that is, if i already don’t have one ahahha

2012-2013

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 23:44:08 -0400

I’ve learned so many things about myself and others this year.

I don’t know if I can say that all the drugs, alcohol and social interaction on the influence of drugs and alcohol helped open my mind to my subconcious or if I just simply grew up. The stupid things I’ve done and said. mainly, the past.

I can’t seem to rid myself of the past. I know I can’t take a step forward if both my feet are in the past. but I can’t get rid of the guilt, the hate, the grief, the anger, the everything.

Someone once told me that “you can’t change the past.” I hate remembering that because 1) it’s from the past. 2)it makes me angry thinking about it. 3) it’s so true. 4) I miss the person who said it to me. the list could go on but in short I mean that it makes me feel such regret and sadness. the fact that I didn’t listen to it and let that person go. A person I should be over by now but he never seems to escape my mind… I think he’s the reason why it’s so hard for me to move forward, because i can’t help but feel regret for every bad decision I do.

I have lots of friends, friends that I truly love and cherish. I trust them all, but only to an extent. It’s not that I don’t trust them with my secrets, it’s that I can’t trust myself that they know. It’s hard to describe but let me put it this way: I don’t want old shit being brought back up again. I also don’t want my friends to pity or sympathize for me. I would feel so uncomfortable if they knew all the fucked up shit that’s going inside of my head. so that’s why I made this blog, so my fingers could type out my endless thoughts.

I named this blog whyicantsing because it’s from a song by se7en. the emotion and meaning of...

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 23:31:57 -0400

I named this blog whyicantsing because it’s from a song by se7en. the emotion and meaning of it makes it one of my fave songs~